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¡Hola Papi!

What started as a joke (What if ‘Dear Abby’ were a gay Mexican man on Grindr?) has since become an invaluable resource for tens of thousands of readers of this preeminent LGBTQ+ advice column by John Paul Brammer. He is also an illustrator and the author of the essay collection Hola Papi: How to Come Out in a Walmart Parking Lot and Other Life Lessons. Brammer began his career writing for The Guardian, NBC News, and Teen Vogue. He also writes and illustrates for outlets such as the Washington Post, Guernica, Catapult, and many more.

advice

‘Am I Too Online?’

 I’m sorry to report that this is one of those “if you have to ask” questions. By J.P. Brammer

More From ‘¡Hola Papi!’

  1. ‘It’s Been Two Years Since My Breakup, and I’m Still Not Over It’No one can tell you there’s a right or wrong way to grieve, but there is a point when we have to accept things as they are.
  2. ‘Is It Worth Taking a Chance on a Relationship With an Expiration Date?’Something can be both ill-advised and entirely worth it.
  3. ‘I’m Terrified of Dating But Unhappy Being Single’Dating shouldn’t be a desperate attempt to find someone who will make you feel better about yourself.
  4. ‘I Feel Like I’ve Been Sleepwalking Through My 20s’In our late 20s and early 30s, there is ample opportunity to pause, take stock of our lives, and think, Is this really all there is?
  5. ‘How Do You Know If You’re With the Right Person?’People enter our lives for a time, and there are ways they are “right” and ways they are not.
  6. Hola Papi: ‘Nothing Is Going Right For Me’“In living a life, there are bound to be many, many mistakes. Maybe mistakes isn’t even the right word for our trials and errors. They are steps.”
  7. ‘How Can I Learn to Be More Present?’When we accept that there are things beyond our control, it’s easier to live in the moment.
  8. ‘Am I Undatable?’You contain things worth sharing and appreciating. The trick is to believe that even when you’re driving solo.
  9. ‘My Average Life Is Smothering Me’You don’t need to blow the whole thing up. You just need a pressure valve.
  10. ‘I’m Afraid to Fully Embrace My Identity As Nonbinary’Unlike caterpillars who are destined to be butterflies, humans don’t intrinsically know who we’re supposed to become.
  11. ‘I Wish I Could Start Over With My Ex’There is no reset. There is only deciding: Let’s try something new.
  12. ‘I’m Yearning for Awe and Ritual’Awe, glamour, and magic are all around us. Look for wonder, and you will find it. And sometimes, as you well know, it finds you.
  13. ‘I’m Terrified at the State of the World’Fear is inevitable. The more useful exercise is figuring out how to live with it, how to react to it and manage it.
  14. ‘I Worry I’m Not ‘Gay Enough’’I think you should worry less about that and more about doing gay stuff you enjoy.
  15. ‘Should I Tell First Dates I’m Rich?’It’s a bad idea to bribe people for their affections.
  16. ‘Daddy Kinks Make Me Uncomfortable. Am I Missing Something?’If it’s not something you’re into, and it’s between two consenting adults, then I don’t see why it’s your business.
  17. ‘Do I Really Need to Be on Social Media?’At its best, social media is a tool. You ought not let it define you or creep into your self-concept.
  18. ‘I Don’t Know How to Grieve My Friend’s Suicide’Rarely are we ever ready to say good-bye to a loved one.
  19. ‘Am I Using My Mental Illness As a Cop-out?’Life’s not a matter of symptoms and diagnoses.
  20. ‘Who Am I Without My Anxiety?’It’s going to take time for you to find a new source of fuel for your creative engine.
  21. ‘I Want More Whimsy and Adventure in My Life’You should practice being present, or as the motivational posters would call it, “living in the moment.”
  22. ‘I Can’t Handle Being Vulnerable’It’s not that you lack softness. You’re just afraid to show it.
  23. ‘Is Space Gay?’It’s refreshing to get to use my scientific expertise for once.
  24. ‘I’m So Angry All the Time’To pay even the slightest bit of attention right now is to be angry.
  25. ‘I Feel Like a Failure As an Artist’It’s time to rethink your relationship to your art and mix up your influences.
  26. ‘I’m Happily Engaged, But I Can’t Stop Fantasizing About My Ex’The human mind wanders. It asks questions, conjures fantasies, digs secret tunnels as a means of escape. That’s good.
  27. ‘I’m So Lonely. What’s Wrong With Me?’I like the idea of accepting loneliness as fundamental to the human condition. It takes the sense of personal failure out of the equation.
  28. ‘I’m So Insecure in My Bisexuality’It sounds like you yourself have some internalized tropes about bisexuality to work through.
  29. ‘I Lost My Sister. I Don’t Know How to Grieve.’There’s no “one size fits all” method of grieving, so try not to feel like you’re doing it wrong or failing at it.
  30. ‘I Can’t Stop Thinking About My Abusive Ex’You don’t need to forget she existed. You need to process your experiences in a way that will help you move on.
  31. ‘I Feel Like I’m Numb to the World’Vulnerability is a risk. But it’s one worth taking, I think.
  32. ‘I’m Having Nightmares About Amy Coney Barrett’We have the option of dragging our fears out from the shadowy corners, staring them in the face, and saying, “Enough.”
  33. ‘I Don’t Know Who I Am After My Divorce’I don’t think identifying yourself by the people around you is as bad as it sounds.
  34. ‘I Came Out. No One Cares.’You have to accept that you can’t control how people react to you.
  35. ‘I Got Ghosted. Big Time.’The best-case scenario here is that he is merely a coward.
  36. ‘How Do You Get Over Someone?’You can’t make good memories while you’re spending all your time in the past.
  37. ‘How Do I Stop Feeling Angry at My Parents?’I’m not going to ask you to forgive anybody, but I do think some grace would serve you well.
  38. ‘How Do I Get Over Imposter Syndrome?’I want you to walk into a room and, even if it’s full of faces that look nothing like yours, know that you belong there.
  39. ‘I Like Dating Latino Men. Am I Fetishizing Them?’Have your hookups, treat people with respect, and try not to feel special for being white and shopping in the Fiesta Mart.
  40. ‘My Brother Abused Me. How Do I Get Past It?’The peace you want won’t come from anyone else. It will come from you.
  41. ‘I Blew Up My Life. Now What?’Don’t confuse the in-between periods of your life with the sum of life itself.
  42. ‘I’m Done With Religion, But I Miss Spirituality’Find your own rituals — ones that enrich you, ones that feel sacred enough, ones that will get you out of bed.
  43. ‘How Do I Stop Chasing Approval From Men?’Don’t give strangers the power to make you feel good or bad about yourself.
  44. ‘I’m Going Bald and It’s Killing My Confidence’All your hair could fall out and there would still be men who would be attracted to you.
  45. ‘Help! I Have No Clue How to Act in a Relationship.’It’s less important to avoid saying the wrong thing 100 percent of the time, and more important that you navigate those missteps with respect.
  46. ‘Am I Petty?’We all have people we don’t like. But you’re letting your enemies live in your brain rent-free.
  47. ‘Will I Ever Get Over My Breakup?’Healing is hard to notice — it’s slow and incremental.
  48. ‘I’m Paralyzed by Anxiety’Start focusing on the process and the pleasure, not the product.
  49. ‘I’m Ashamed of Where I Come From’It’s natural to feel unsatisfied with what you’ve inherited.
  50. ‘I Think I Might Be Ugly’To a certain degree, we have the power to name ourselves, to determine what we make of the hand we’ve been dealt.
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