¡Hola Papi!

The preeminent LGBTQ advice column from writer and author John Paul Brammer. What started as a joke (What if ‘Dear Abby’ was a gay Mexican man on Grindr?) has since become an invaluable resource for tens of thousand of readers.

¡hola papi!

‘Was What I Had With My Ex Special?’

It’s up to you to decide if you’re hurting and if something isn’t right.

More From ‘¡Hola Papi!’

  1. ‘I’m 30 and I’ve Never Had a Boyfriend’I can assure you that you’re not alone.
  2. ‘How Do I Ask Him Out?’Express interest. Avoid desperation. That’s about it.
  3. ‘Am I a Helicopter Parent?’Sometimes, loving someone means letting them make their own mistakes.
  4. ‘I’m the Weekend Boyfriend, But I Want More’Sit him down and tell him what you want. If you’re not on the same page, see if there’s a way to get there.
  5. ‘Is It Ever Okay to Ask Someone Where They’re From?’People who are frequently othered in our culture will definitely know when you’re just trying to sniff out their ethnicity.
  6. ‘Should We Move to Scotland and Buy a Castle?’This is what happens when you spend too much time on Zillow.
  7. ‘My Friend Thinks I’m in a Cult’I think this situation falls under the “if you have to ask” category.
  8. ‘Should I Get Back Together With My Ex?’Take what you liked from the relationship and take this time to work on yourself.
  9. ‘How Do I Tell My Friends I Don’t Have Time for Them?’Some of my favorite people are “I’ll see you when I see you” people, and that’s okay.
  10. ‘I’m Sick of Being the Bad Guy in Relationships’The reality is, in life, you will be both victim and villain.
  11. ‘I’m Jealous and Regretful’Any second of your life spent wanting to be someone else is a second wasted.
  12. ‘I Hate My Writing Group’Ask yourself, Is this better than writing alone in my house?
  13. ‘Should I Blow Up My Boring, Stable Life?’It’s good to remember chaos is neither inherently good nor bad, and it doesn’t have to be an “all or nothing” kind of deal.
  14. ‘I Feel Abandoned by My Friend’Hopefully the two of you can have a productive conversation that leaves you both in a healthier place.
  15. ‘I’m Ashamed of Being Unemployed’The path is long, crooked, embarrassing, and deeply silly. Having friends and passions will make it tolerable.
  16. ‘I Was Dumped, and Now I Feel Disposable’You will meet other people, and when you do, you’ll be able to better identify what you want.
  17. ‘Can Your Partner Ever Really Know You?’You will never be fully known by another person. You will not even fully know yourself.
  18. ‘I Transitioned, But I Still Feel Like a Phony’It’s good when we don’t have to struggle like we used to, so long as those struggles inspire solidarity with those who aren’t in the same place.
  19. ‘I Want to Be Casual, But I Have a Huge Crush’No strings can be fun, but there’s nothing wrong with adding some when it makes sense for both of you.
  20. ‘Why Do I Always Have to Be the One to Initiate Plans?’Most people are waiting for someone else to break through the quiet.
  21. ‘I Lost My Creative Spark’Don’t think about the book you haven’t written or the drawing you haven’t sketched out. Think about what role you want art to play in your daily life.
  22. ‘I’m Embarrassed by Where I Come From’It points to a certain deficiency in your sense of self. You think you’re not enough.
  23. ‘It’s Been Two Years Since My Breakup, and I’m Still Not Over It’No one can tell you there’s a right or wrong way to grieve, but there is a point when we have to accept things as they are.
  24. ‘Is It Worth Taking a Chance on a Relationship With an Expiration Date?’Something can be both ill-advised and entirely worth it.
  25. ‘I’m Terrified of Dating But Unhappy Being Single’Dating shouldn’t be a desperate attempt to find someone who will make you feel better about yourself.
  26. ‘I Feel Like I’ve Been Sleepwalking Through My 20s’In our late 20s and early 30s, there is ample opportunity to pause, take stock of our lives, and think, Is this really all there is?
  27. ‘How Do You Know If You’re With the Right Person?’People enter our lives for a time, and there are ways they are “right” and ways they are not.
  28. Hola Papi: ‘Nothing Is Going Right For Me’“In living a life, there are bound to be many, many mistakes. Maybe mistakes isn’t even the right word for our trials and errors. They are steps.”
  29. ‘How Can I Learn to Be More Present?’When we accept that there are things beyond our control, it’s easier to live in the moment.
  30. ‘Am I Undatable?’You contain things worth sharing and appreciating. The trick is to believe that even when you’re driving solo.
  31. ‘My Average Life Is Smothering Me’You don’t need to blow the whole thing up. You just need a pressure valve.
  32. ‘I’m Afraid to Fully Embrace My Identity As Nonbinary’Unlike caterpillars who are destined to be butterflies, humans don’t intrinsically know who we’re supposed to become.
  33. ‘I Wish I Could Start Over With My Ex’There is no reset. There is only deciding: Let’s try something new.
  34. ‘I’m Yearning for Awe and Ritual’Awe, glamour, and magic are all around us. Look for wonder, and you will find it. And sometimes, as you well know, it finds you.
  35. ‘I’m Terrified at the State of the World’Fear is inevitable. The more useful exercise is figuring out how to live with it, how to react to it and manage it.
  36. ‘I Worry I’m Not ‘Gay Enough’’I think you should worry less about that and more about doing gay stuff you enjoy.
  37. ‘Should I Tell First Dates I’m Rich?’It’s a bad idea to bribe people for their affections.
  38. ‘Daddy Kinks Make Me Uncomfortable. Am I Missing Something?’If it’s not something you’re into, and it’s between two consenting adults, then I don’t see why it’s your business.
  39. ‘Do I Really Need to Be on Social Media?’At its best, social media is a tool. You ought not let it define you or creep into your self-concept.
  40. ‘I Don’t Know How to Grieve My Friend’s Suicide’Rarely are we ever ready to say good-bye to a loved one.
  41. ‘Am I Using My Mental Illness As a Cop-out?’Life’s not a matter of symptoms and diagnoses.
  42. ‘Who Am I Without My Anxiety?’It’s going to take time for you to find a new source of fuel for your creative engine.
  43. ‘I Want More Whimsy and Adventure in My Life’You should practice being present, or as the motivational posters would call it, “living in the moment.”
  44. ‘I Can’t Handle Being Vulnerable’It’s not that you lack softness. You’re just afraid to show it.
  45. ‘Is Space Gay?’It’s refreshing to get to use my scientific expertise for once.
  46. ‘I’m So Angry All the Time’To pay even the slightest bit of attention right now is to be angry.
  47. ‘I Feel Like a Failure As an Artist’It’s time to rethink your relationship to your art and mix up your influences.
  48. ‘I’m Happily Engaged, But I Can’t Stop Fantasizing About My Ex’The human mind wanders. It asks questions, conjures fantasies, digs secret tunnels as a means of escape. That’s good.
  49. ‘I’m So Lonely. What’s Wrong With Me?’I like the idea of accepting loneliness as fundamental to the human condition. It takes the sense of personal failure out of the equation.
  50. ‘I’m So Insecure in My Bisexuality’It sounds like you yourself have some internalized tropes about bisexuality to work through.
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